it took me a while to figure out exactly what it was that i was feeling. anger? no. sadness? maybe a little, but that's not it. not jealousy. not rejected, not lonely, not hopeless. more along the lines of regret, though that wasn't quite it either. now, after a long drive, i'm pretty sure it's shame. i'm happy about the way things are now, but there's so much i would undo if i could go back. i don't really know what happened to me, why i stopped making choices i was proud of. why i chose to submit to something so clearly wrong. and i have to give myself the criticism i'd love to give to them. because at the time, i was them. and i hate remembering that. jen's so wise; she reminds me how much i've grown up since then, that my relationship with God is on a whole different level now. i learned a lot of important lessons and didn't get too hurt in the process. those things are what's important after all, but part of me disagrees and thinks i should have just known better. i can't judge my past actions by my present convictions, but i can identify that ugly feeling that keeps popping up as shame. shame that i was something i have come to despise. shame that i can't speak negatively about their actions without saying the same about myself. i want to be better than that, but the truth is that i'm not. i look back and can't believe all that i gave, all that i rationalized, all that i accepted as "ok". i'm ashamed of myself. but His grace is new every morning, and there have been a hundred mornings since then.