my imagined future is largely written by the non-creative, uber-practical side of me. i like adventure on paper, but when it comes to the bigger things, to my life, i am stone cold serious. do not mess with me. i have things all planned out.

as my residency application has been out for almost a month now, i am looking at the interview invitations in my inbox. richmond, virginia is excited to get to know me. jacksonville, florida is asking some clarifying questions about my recent name change. and pittsburgh, pa has been terribly silent. pittsburgh was my safety net, the program i was sure i was almost too good for and that fit perfectly into the sensible story God is certainly writing for me. i've spent evenings envisioning myself visiting the beautiful ivory league hospitals, saying 'oh Emory, i wish i wasn't already committed to a small, humble program back home. thank you for your interest.' i have planned on spending little money flying around to interviews, because i knew i'd end up here, at home, where my husband has a job and i am finally learning my way around. i keep checking my email, tracking documents, awaiting the invitation that has not yet come.

realistically, there are several reasons that this could be the case, but they are not the point. i realize, shockingly, that next year could be anything but predictable. i realize that i fight against succumbing to the unknown with all that i have. i am categorically willing to sacrifice a potential amazing for a known not-too-bad.

i am being asked to give that up, and along with it, all the pressure i put on myself daily to make life work out for me. my desire, here and now, must be to allow God to show me where He wants me, how He plans to use me. during the times i have wanted to quit, i have clung to the fact that it is God that has laid this road out before me, and that it is by His power that i am able to exist at all. and it's here that i rest once again, in the knowledge that this is not mine to figure out.

"...for we have no power against all these men who are coming against us. we do not know what to do, but our eyes look to You." 2 chronicles 20:12.