i'm starting to get my nose back to the grindstone again, finally. went for a run this morning despite the rain and ended up with a heaving, out-of-shape chest and the realization that you can't stop running for months and pick up where you left off. step 2 of boards is scant weeks away and i'm tired after 3 hours of studying - another place that my endurance is low. i've gotten weak and lazy over the last few months; caught up in this new phase of my life and letting all the rest slide. what i'll pay to get back to where i was will be worth it; it was a glorious summer.

running has been one of my biggest teachers, and i think it will prove to take on that role again this fall. i went out this morning on the tail of a bad dream, one where my husband was injured and i was being manipulated by people i didn't know. tried to shake the feelings off, only half-successfully. i miss him, want to spend every second i can with him on the weekends i can drive back to pittsburgh. the last 2 months were perfect; dave and i were holed up in our apartment together, ducking phonecalls and social obligations because we were finally married, finally together, finally not long-distance. now, though, the grace of his friends seems to be wearing thinner. why don't we go out? why don't we do stuff together? and i have started to feel the need to justify the way i spend my free time to people who are barely friends yet.

so the shoes went on, and my bigger, lazier body tried to push the frustration through the cement and grass and leave it miles behind me - except that i could barely make it a mile, let alone five. winded, gasping, hurting, tired. haven't had the focus, have been paying attention to other things, have let the things that free me become dusty. my answer is in there, in dusting off my running shoes, in opening the books, in seeing the sun rise with some good coffee in hand. sometimes the things that are hardest to do make you feel the best when you finally do them. so let them all talk, and i'll restructure time again and make more space for feeding my mind and training my body, and perhaps soon add some time to write back into my schedule. let them talk, let them howl about how little time i have for small talk. i'll be able to outrun those words again soon.