they say that when your house burns down, you don't know the full extent of your loss till years later. at least that's what david told me the other night. there has been some awful flooding around here this week, remnants of the hurricane, and some people's homes were soggy and ruined, everything they owned, drowned. i mean, the obvious losses you assess right away - the tv has shorted out. the wooden furniture is warped and the drawers won't open. the food is waterlogged. only years later do you remember that one letter your dad sent you that really let you know how much he loved you, that you used to like to reread when you were feeling low. gone. it takes years to assess damage like that. but my house is not flooded, my drawers still open, and i still have that letter in a box under my bed. i am lucky, but the idea has been rolling around in my mind a lot anyway. i've been having dreams about an ex-boyfriend. have i mentioned this already? they've been disturbing dreams, and i have nobody to talk them through with. all my friends hated him, and i look back on myself with a lot of disgust for walking straight into something so clearly wrong for me. and yet... i admit that often, i mentally wander around in those months, looking for something. i don't know what i'm looking for. i've been done with it time and again, but i'm NOT done with it, because i keep going back. maybe it's only years later that you discover the full extent of any loss, because the big things are never what it's about in the end. it's the little things, the little pieces of me that have nothing to do with him but just happened to get shattered anyway. now i look at myself and don't see some parts of me that i loved, and i think that's where i lost them. so should i go back and sift through the wreckage again and again? i have been, at night, when i'm not hindered by fear that it means that somehow i'm not over him. i've been struggling with other things that i don't understand, and i know they are connected. now, during the day, i am battling more dumb body image stuff, wondering why i care so much about it lately, when i've spent years of my life without being burdened like this. why am i so critical in the mirror? why do i focus on what i wish were different? why should i waste time with these thoughts when i am one of God's unique creations? unforgettable, creative, lovable, enjoyable, important. i had no trouble doubting the magic in my life before....before what? before this ex-boyfriend, damn ex-boyfriend who made me doubt myself so much, who was the very first person to convince me just how replacable i was, how little my time had actually meant to him. it had never happened to me before, and i guess it left a huge impression on me. i think i've felt like i've had something to prove ever since. to myself, to the friends that watched me date him, to the world. but worth is something we have, not something we prove, and i'm getting tired of believing the lie that being less of this or more of that will make me less easily discarded. in that fire, i lost a lot of confidence and gained a big lie. years later, i can assess that, but can i fix it?