disillusionment is what happens when we forget why we're doing what we're doing. it happens when i forget about being a doctor and get lost in the frustration of studying, a job that i take home with me every night, every weekend. i actually enjoy it most of the time, but then there is the week before a test when it all seems pointless, and i wish i was just working retail so i could chill out and get those banana republic discounts. disillusionment is also what happens in churches, when we forget why we are to live our lives a certain way. we start focusing on all the present hassel it's causing us, and we wonder what convinced us that God was important in the first place. we walk out of the situations that make us ask the real questions and into the easy times, where those questions are just one more hassle to be avoided. we lose focus. we lose heart. we lose our way and forget to care that it's happening. what a good way to get nowhere and to spend a lot of time doing it.

i get by with a little help from my friends. it seems inevitable that disillusionment will happen, because focus takes so much energy. just the word, focus, makes me think of eye muscles contracting, pulling taut to draw vision from a distance. when i am tired, and i am blurred, my favorite people pull me taut and give my vision back to me. there are a whole lot of people that spout air about being friends, but i love the people that care enough to learn me, to learn how and where i am focused. sometimes i can't do it alone, but then i realize that i'm NOT alone, and that it's ok to use the eyes of friend when my own are far too sleepy.