“how bad do you want it?” the question came to me while i was rounding the last corner of my run. i’m restless lately, so restless; maybe that why running has been so easy for me these past weeks. i feel like i’m doing something when i run. i’m getting somewhere. i’m making myself healthier, making my heart pump and my muscles work, spreading oxygen through my body. and when i get back to my room, the sweat beading on my forehead tells me i’ve accomplished something. but yesterday’s to-do list is still staring me in the face, full of tedious details that don’t feel worth my effort. i know on some level that time is never wasted, that this space of dead air between today and graduation must have a purpose. maybe i simply need to learn how to wait. the truth is that i do have goals that i could pursue right here, right now, if i really wanted to. i want to be a doctor, and i want to build relationships, and those two things are pretty stagnant in my life right now...they're waiting, waiting, waiting for the big move... but i do want to know God more. and in the absence of academic and relational pursuits, i can't let myself forget about that. how much do i really want Him? how important is it that i grab all the time i can get and spend it where it counts? how faithful am i with the time i'm given? i'm hoping for so much, but all i really have is today. and who cares what kind of degree i have or how many people think i'm nice or friendly or cute if there's not enough room in my soul for me to really care about them? i want to be more transparent, to have enough courage to be honest, to be a girl who keeps her word. i want to be able to give a genuine smile and to ask questions that i mean. i haven't been seizing the day as much with these pursuits, probably because it really sucks to admit that i'm not as genuine as i want to be sometimes. i let fear trip me up. a whole lot. i care too much about unimportant things and not enough about important ones. i don't have a choice about being in this waiting room. but while i'm here, i need to make sure that the time still counts for something.