twenty five percent of a year has gone by since july 1. lately there's little time to write; in fact, i had my first day "alone" since the summer yesterday and i had so many things i wanted to do in it that i ended the day exhausted anyway. i did manage to buy a killer oriental rug for pennies (well, not pennies per se...), haul it up to my apartment, and rearrange the furniture around it before i went to bed. it's everything good about a rug - soft, huge, and that pale icy-blue color i would buy everything in if i could.
anyway, this is husband stuff, the hauling of rugs and rearranging of furniture, and i realize that i am really getting used to having him around. it's a thing i've been thinking about a lot lately, with a few young-ish couples i know dealing with cancer and strokes. things that shouldn't happen but do sometimes. it's something i am praying about because i don't understand it. plus, it never occurred to me that i'd still struggle with the same old fears of loss i've always i had, even after i got married. d is away for a few days and these things all resurface, but in a way that i can see God is guiding me back to a place where i can trust him. even with the things i can't dream of ever giving up.
have i mentioned that residency may kill me? ha - mostly kidding. i am at the end of elective and starting back into the grind of the inpatient team tomorrow. it's thankless work, mostly, but i have to say that i'm shocked at how much i am growing, and at how fast. last night a patient's family screamed and cursed at me for things out of my control, and i wasn't angry. hel-LO, that is something i've never been able to do. is my skin actually getting thicker? there were days when that kind of thing would make me livid / nauseated / hide in the bathroom.
so calls have been hellish and the patients sick and demanding. sometimes i wonder if i will make it till the sun rises without spontaneously combusting or dying of starvation. but in the stairwell at 2am, heading back to my call room after dealing with a crashing patient, i was shocked to notice that the main thing i was feeling was tired. not panicked, not tense, not 'verbally abused'... and that is growth, my friends. the kind of growth you only notice for a moment in the stairwell. is it worth 80 hrs a week and a quarter mil in school loans? you betcha.
1 comment:
Not commenting at all of this, but somewhere I read through you blog about Dave gettng up at the crack of dawn to serve you, even though he works from home, for coffee, or to warm up your car....I think it was a post back in March.
That sounds like Uncle Jim. He loves like that. our guys are one of the few that serve like that, in their love.
Wanting a morning alone, without him waking up, now that sounds like me. Sometimes, I didn't necessarily want all the loving, but wanted to be left alone to myself.
If my Jim goes, I won't beat myself up about that. It's an okay thing. We talked today about how I wish I had loved him better through these 13 years and wish I could do it again. And then I laughed and said, "Oh forget it, I would probably just screw up 5 days into it, sort of like a New Years resolution." :)
Just wanted to tell you, that Jim and I thought we saw us in you and Dave. And when I read that post, I saw it, and it made me smile.
God bless you guys. We love you
Aunt Dolly (Uncle Jim, too)
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