easy

it turns out that i'm really bad at being consistent. mainly with God.

here i am, today, with time to spend. i know yesterday changed me a little; i was softer at work today. i listened a little better. i was a little more aware of God in the stairwells, the place where my thoughts are the clearest. but now tonight, it is so hard to lay it all down again.

it was easier yesterday, when i felt so weighed down and tired, when i was working hard all day to keep my eyes from filling. today found me more put together, more pleased with myself, less needy. i don't feel like getting that vulnerable again. it's so messy and exhausting. i am struggling with wanting to brush all that truth under the rug again, to duck back into the illusion that i am living a life i can control. that story never pans out in the end, but it's such an easy place to live in between times.

anyway, it's not so easy today. but that's just because it's not always easy. i guess that's no big deal after all.