the definition of critical

crit·i·cal (krit-i-kul), adj.

1. Inclined to judge severely and find fault.
2. Characterized by careful, exact evaluation and judgment: a critical reading.

i have always been a critical thinker in both senses of the word. being critical with data, with numbers and words, has made me an enormously good test taker. but perhaps this only applies to written exams.

the other half of critical also defines me fairly well, and this is mostly directed toward myself. i watch myself closely. my mind contains video of a half dozen moments, recorded in full color and volume, that randomly repeat through my thoughts at any given time. i hash and rehash. i can watch from different angles, from different perspectives. i judge myself this way. some particularly embarassing or momentous scenes play more frequently than others; i have wondered if this is a way i am teaching myself from past experiences or punishing myself for past failures. either way, i've been especially silent today, and only after it's been mentioned to me several times have i realized that i have so few words to say because i'm busy replaying yesterday's words in my head. i'm caught up there, trying to grade my performance before anyone else gets the chance.

i honestly think i may have failed the most expensive test of my life.

the last hurdle of my last year of medical school is the COMLEX-PE, a $1,000, 7 hour practical exam that declares me fully competent to start a residency. i took it last night. i didn't prepare much; i've taken similar exams on a smaller scale before and did fine. perhaps i did ok on this exam as well. the thing i did do wrong: i googled COMLEX-PE the night before the exam and happened upon 2 discussion threads complaining about the validity of the test, the subjectiveness of grading, and the fact that a handful of people who thought they were competent clinicians, failed. i didn't sleep well that night. i haven't slept well since.

now i am all tied up in my head, rehashing all the details. i can think of at least a half dozen errors i made: questions i forgot to ask, parts of the patient i forgot to examine, and procedures i did that i neglected to document. each one flashes through my mind with the sound like a cannon firing, like a door slamming shut, like that terrible gong from a bad gameshow. were any of those things enough to fail me? would a failure affect my matching with a residency? where will the extra thousand dollars come from if i have to retake the exam? and on. and on.

this is a thing i need to lay to rest, but at the moment, i'm not sure that i'm ready to accept the necessary things: that i am not in control of this situation, and that a failure would not be the end of the world. i suppose this uncovers an ugly truth about me; i am addicted to a cocktail of success and control. my drug is being threatened, and i'm acting like an addict all over the place, sloppy with the needing of it, the wanting of it, obsessed with the final hit that is being held at a 12 week distance.

they will give me the verdict in march. until then, i will pray for grace, both from the examiners and from myself.

grace (gras) n.

1. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.
2. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.