i have that tight feeling in my chest that comes from that one last thing getting tagged onto my to do list today. i was going along just fine, thank you, and then wham, i'm face down on the floor asking for help.

help.

i am about to be a senior-in-___ for the third time in my life. high school, college, now med school. #4 will be residency. so i'm getting there, huh? i look back to sr yr of high school and all the anxiety of finding the right college, getting accepted...and i got in everywhere i applied. then the senior in college stress of applying to med schools and hoping and praying i'd get in to one...and once again, i got my wish. first choices all around. so here's round three and even remembering how it has gone in the past, i'm worried. scared, preoccupied, etc. i can't stop thinking about it.

the issue is that i don't think i've had what it takes at each step to get where i am. i get lucky - which is not the truth at all, because what i really get is God's favor. He's watching over me. i know it, but i don't trust it, or at least that's how i act most of the time. i feel guilty expecting Him to drop what He's doing and care about how desperately much i want to stay in p-burgh and do neurology at AGH. i feel like i've used up all my favors already. i'm expecting too much. this time i'm on my own, right? i'm all grown up now, right?

thank God that i am so completely wrong. He never runs out of love, or attention. He never misses the details. i keep forgetting all the stuff i'm supposed to be doing (and doing, and more doing) to set myself up for a 'good shot at a good residency', but He never takes me off His to-do list. He is always working on my behalf, and lest i feel guilty that He's sick of helping me out, He wrote a whole Bible-full of reasons why my inner voice is full of shit.

if i had to end up face down on the floor today, at least this face-plant is straight into God's grace.