the sun has finally gone down on this very intense day. it's barely 11pm and my david is already asleep; he's getting up at 5am every day this week for three hours of prayer time, and his whole sleep cycle has been pushed back to accomodate the lost morning hours. i usually spend this hour of every night on the phone with him, laying out the pieces of my day and his, hearing his voice get softer and lower on the other end until i know it's time to say goodnight. tonight, though, i am alone, laying out my thoughts by myself. i think it's better that way for now; i have been one big storm of emotionally-charged questions for the past 24 hours and he's weathered the brunt of it all.

i am marrying a very, very good man.

i think i've settled my head and my heart down, finally. times of questioning come in cycles, and i'm always thankful for the clarity and peace that come after all the messy work is done. but digging through my dirt is just that - messy. messy and tiring. i found a new landmine i didn't know was there, and it blew me all the way back to greg, who planted it years ago. it was made of all the guilt i felt over clinging so hard to my dream of being a doctor that i couldn't give it up to be a pastor's wife. i always felt like when we broke up, greg took God with him. i felt abandoned by both of them, and even though my head said that was a lie, i guess my heart has harbored lingering fears that my own hopes were somehow un-Godly. maybe i've been waiting for david, on the way to becoming a pastor himself, to eventually come to the same conclusion about me. i had to dig pretty deep to find it, but there it was, all along.

david doesn't read these words because he feels like it's cheating. he wants to hear my thoughts from my mouth and not posted on a page that anyone could read. i both love and hate that he feels that way, because i wish he could know how thankful i am for him tonight. i wish i could write something here that he would stumble across and smile. the truth is that no matter how difficult i am, or he is, we are incredibly good together. i just have never hoped to be loved so completely as i know i am right now, loved for everything i am and everything i'm not, and loved in a way that leaves me without fear that i will mess it up. he doesn't always understand me, but he tries so so hard. yes, he blows his nose really really loud in public places and sometimes asks strangers questions that i feel are kind of personal and embarassing. he loves to kiss me in public, and i always feel a little self-conscious about pda...but i am just crazy in love with him. he handles my periods of intensity with a grace i didn't think was possible. i don't deserve him at all.

i'm tempted to dial his number right now, but i'll try to settle for just thinking warm thoughts across a great distance. with all my fears about whether or not God's plans and mine have anything to do with each other, i have to stand in awe when i look at what He's done with this particular dream, the one where i meet someone i could love.

i am very, very blessed.