i feel like he thinks i am what i've always hoped i wouldn't be. maybe i'm projecting my own insecurites into his voice, or maybe i am selfish, materialistic, full of earthly dreams and focused on the wrong stuff. it hits my heart in a place where my little girl dreams long to be legitimized. worse, hearing even slight rejection in a place where my heart is tender is akin to being thrown off a cliff and then punched in the stomach. i wouldn't share the things i do if i thought i wouldn't be handled carefully, even if i am not understood. sigh.

i want him to call me back and say andrea, your heart is good. your life will be full of hard things and amazing things too, and take every opportunity you get to live. live all of it and don't feel guilty. keep your eyes on God and remember that He is not trying to get all of His children to be as poor and somber and bored as they can be. dream all the time and see what God does with those dreams.

instead, my heart feels constricted, and i feel like i have something to prove. to prove that dreams are ok, to prove that my heart's desires are not despised by God, but accepted with a loving smile and a big fat heavenly "maybe". maybe my life will be full of fulfilled hopes, and maybe not, but i can't imagine that God would have me shushh them to death and pretend that i am just waiting to die. can that be what He wants?

mind you, i fully believe that's a rhetorical question. pardon my extreme frustration.