my mom and i have totally different ways of doing things. i think this is why we clashed a lot when i was a kid, and it's why we just argued on the phone for 20 minutes about my sister's birthday party. diana's turning sixteen next week, and i want her to have a big fun party. not big in people, but big as in the deal that is made over it. my mom, on the other hand, never liked big deals. she hates surprise parties. she hates the planning and the details and the energy it takes. she wanted a very small wedding, even though her mom (my grandma) planned a big one for her.

note that i've spent roughly a million hours already, dreaming about my own HUGE wedding and all the details that i'm dying to start creating.

so my mom calls and mentions that they're going to just buy diana a cake and sing her happy birthday and not really make a fuss about it, and i get so frustrated on her behalf that my eyes start tearing up and my voice starts raising... and i am suddenly aware that i'm reacting to something much bigger than cake and a birthday song. crazy. i put the phone down and tears are streaming down my face, and i am wondering what the heck is going on.

my wedding is stressing me out a little, because i have this idea in my head that i'm not sure i'll be able to get across in the details. i love planning things, but i'm in a perfectionistic phase lately and i feel like it might be the worst thing in the world if i spend a ton of money on one day, and i can't get the picture in my head to turn into reality. worse, the mental picture is fuzzy enough that i can't quite figure out how to go about getting there. i wish someone who knows about this stuff would take me out for coffee and tell me how it's all done, give me great ideas, offer to do some of it for me. i wish my mom would, but i know that's not her thing. i think i've felt shades of this with all my "big deals" in life. my birthday parties? i planned them all myself. my college grad party? didn't have one cause i didn't have time to plan it. i know i'm sounding selfish, but i'm just being honest. i want diana to have a huge bash because i wanted one, and i know she doesn't have the initiative to go plan it herself.

i am forcing my old burned wishes on other people, and that sucks.

my mom probably has it right - what matters is not a martha stewart-esque cake with perfect icing or meticulously wrapped gifts tied with raffia bows. what matters is the spirit of love that is found in a celebration. for me, though, love means i try to make that perfectly iced cake, and i search for wrapping paper that matches the tissue paper that matches the envelope of the card. maybe that makes me superficial, or maybe just a very different woman than my mom is. i wish i could be more like her in a million ways. i envy the way she can be so laid back about things i freak out about. and yet...i wouldn't give up the part of me that longs to make the details beautiful. even if it does make me a little neurotic sometimes.