the idea that this is a battle is snatched from my mind purposefully by he that hopes i'll forget. it is this that makes me weakest, that keeps me from engaging and fighting for what is mine - joy, every moment. peace that passes understanding. love for all people, even those that i don't agree with or can't understand. these things are theoretically mine through Christ. if that's true, then why don't i see them in my life? i am always struggling to love even those i DO understand, grasping for peace that is more elusive than it should be.

i want it to be easy, because i feel like it looks easy in other people's lives. i feel weaker than they are, as though they are carrying their own struggles with an ease that i have to fake most of the time. i fake that there is no battle inside of me; i fake it enough that i forget it's there myself, and then i wonder where this hollow ache comes from. i am bothered by it; i try to pin it on a million things; i wonder where all that church-promised rest and peace is hiding.

i've been mulling this over a lot lately. i've been watching Troy and Braveheart repetitively; there is something in there that i need. i watch again, hoping i'll get it this time. slowly, i am feeding off of a warrior's courage, lifting my head again with determination and focus. i am fighting my own battles, and even though they look deceptively small, the battle for the heart is where men and women are born or broken. and i am tired, and i am often deceived, but i am still fighting.

i will get down on my knees in the morning and pray for strength. i will engage today. i will not lose by pretending there is no ground at stake with every sunrise. i know how quickly my heart wanders; i know that everything in this world is working against me getting my hands on the power Christ has for me, and it is only there that i can really experience all the things i'm longing for: peace. rest. the unwavering rememberance that God is in his heaven, and all is right with the world, even when all looks wrong.

i am willing to fight for it.