what i really want is a bunch of contradictory things. i'm not sure it why it still surprises me that i rarely find simple solutions when i look down the road. i want to have dessert after every meal and still fit into my jeans. i want to lay on my back and dream into the sky, and then call kathryn and tell her all about it, and still ace my test on monday. i want to be with a man that has passion and a calling, who has his own life...and yet i want to be able to live where i want, to move when i want to, to expect him to drop his life so i can live mine. you just can't have it both ways most of the time, and the compromises always scare me. i'm scared by a tipping scale, fearing that it will tip so far in one direction that i'll never see the other side again. i don't know how to balance it all out sometimes, how to trust enough to give when it's unclear how things will come back to the middle later on. maybe they never will, and maybe loving someone has to mean being willing to accept that.

it's not easy, but it's beautiful.