geez, i feel down. it's hard to tell how much i can blame on the dreary weather, how much i can blame on the wonders of being female, and how much actually has a root in something substantial. autumn does tend to make me sad for no good reason; october is always one long month of dragging myself out of bed and plunging my unwilling body under the cold head of the shower until we both warm up to the morning. so that is me today. maybe tomorrow will be brighter out.

after an exam yesterday and an exam today, i'm trying to decide what to do with my night. med school is all about these odd bursts of freedom that leave you bored on a tuesday night and then swamped with work on a saturday afternoon, when the rest of the world is out to play. i can't decide whether i'm lonely or hungry or tired. i'm not used to having free time at all anymore - when i'm not giving my time to books, i'm giving it to school obligations, church, calling david... i feel lost in an expanse of time that nobody has claimed. it feels awkward and unfamiliar. and that's a ridiculous tragedy, because before i was used to being under such a heavy load all the time, i used to be able to dream up a million things to do with a free evening.

i'm going out. alone. and i'm going to LOVE it.

sigh.