i've read all the unbelievable stories in the Bible about the little guy defeating the giant, walls spontaneously falling down, people being raised from the dead and seas making dry water-walled paths because God told them to. i've read about jonah and the whale, noah and the ark, moses and the plagues. but what i really need to know is that He doesn't mind wiping my tears, that He doesn't regret me when i keep showing Him how stubborn and selfish i am. because i try, i try so hard to keep it all together, to not have to learn the same things over and over again. i feel like i'm not getting anywhere, like i'm actually regressing. my heart gets caught up so quickly and wounded so easily and i feel like i should have outgrown these antics so long ago, and i just need to know that He's not as ashamed of me as i am of myself. that my complexity doesn't scare Him. that when my hand finally lets go of all the details and reaches for His, that His heart trembles as much as mine does in relief to be touching again. i just want to be loved, and i want that love not to depend on me at all, to be in spite of me, to be strong enough to lean on, to sleep in. i want to know that, along with the miracles and might, He's not too big or too busy to hear me sputter and stammer till i find the words to say what i mean. i think this is what i mean. i am nothing lovable, but i am loved.

and that is unbelievable, but i believe.