i finally got to spend some quality time with God. i don't know why i haven't been. i think, honestly, that i've been afraid that God might tell me that i needed to be single. it was something i didn't want to hear, and still don't. note - this is not actually what he said; it's just what i was afraid to hear. so i was ignoring him. stupid, stupid me. these are the kinds of kid-games that i don't realize i've been playing till after i've played them out. i struggle with trusting God lately, and i've never had that problem before. i don't know how it's possible that the area where i was once strongest is now the place where i am most weak. sometimes it's all i can do to believe that God has good plans for me, because i know that God's definition of "good" and my definition are often vastly different. on the same hand, i know that our definitions would be identical if i wasn't so clouded with sin and selfishness...it's like, if i have the time to stop every untrusting thought and follow it all the way through with the truth that i have, i'm fine. but so often those thoughts attack me when i'm not really up for the process of refutation, and when a few of them pile up it gets hard to remember that they are lies. i end up with this almost cynical view of God, one that tries to protect me from what he might do to me instead of throwing my arms open and my head back and living without fear. so that's where i've been for maybe a month now. my whole life is changing around and i'm stuck in this fear. and maybe a symptom of that is my death-grip on the blessings that come into my life. i feel like i need to lock on to them and take control of them, because who knows when God might take them away. and this is not who my heart believes that God is, but somehow that's how i've been treating him. it's not fair, really. it's like when my mom preemptively reprimands me, and my good intentions are circumvented by her immediate distrust. i hate it when she does that to me, and i know God hates it when i shut off his blessing in my life by distrust that there will be more, distrust that he knows what he's doing. i guess i keep thinking that, if i'm growing up, then these little things should pass away and i should be learning the big stuff now. with that attitude, i guess i stopped tending to the little feelings of fear that happen every day and they grew up on me till i spent sunday jumping to conclusions, monday crying and pacing and feeling like the world was over, and tuesday being caught by the God that sometimes has to push us off the cliff before we remember that he loves to catch us when we're falling. and now i can pray a little easier and my bible looks more inviting and i'm glad that whatever battle was raging in me has been won by the right side. so i feel like myself again. i haven't for a while. and this is why my day was mmmmmgood.

yesterday i was reading in II samuel, about king david and all the crazy times he lived through. i was so amazed. i know all of these stories, but i haven't read them personally in a while. and the God david knew was so different from the God i've been letting my self assume that He is. he's dynamic and interested and don't-you-dare-cross-him, but if you do and he loves you, it might be ok in the end anyway. like with bathsheeba. i loved (and was scared by) the way david covered his tracks so completely from the eyes of all men. nobody would have known the real story. but God himself told nathan, who came to david and told him he would be punished because God was displeased. WOW. even if i cover it ALL up, God sees, and his displeasure is worse than anyone else's. i forget that all the time. if i can see eyes watching me, it scares me more than to think that God's watching me. anyway, so david cries and mourns for his ill and dying child, and when the child dies, david's servants are scared to even tell him for fear that he might do something even crazier than the way he has been acting. but to their shock, he gets up and washes his face, changes his clothes, and heads to the temple to sing praises to God, explaining to them that while the child was alive, perhaps God would have mercy. now that God's will has been done, david praises him. it doesn't matter that it wasn't what david had asked for. david knew he might not get it, but he wasn't afraid to ask anyway, because he knew the God he was dealing with. one who LOVES. so along those same lines, when the child dies, david's not bitter because he knows that God loves him, and his will has been done. i want more of that attitude; prayer for what my heart longs for, and then complete submission and praise when the outcome is determined, whether or not that lines up with my own hopes. i just wish i knew God like david did. i'm almost jealous of their relationship. to be sure, the state of our relationship is my own fault, because just in the past 24 hours i remember more of him than i did before. it just feels so good to be back in relationship with him again that i can't even explain it.

there were so many other parts of this story that got to me. i loved how, even though david displeased God with his dealings with bathsheeba, after God dealt with david, He turned around and blessed their marriage. i love that God forgives so fully. he doesn't hold us in contempt forever when we screw up. even when we REALLY screw up, like murder and adultery in the same week. God deals with the problem and gets back to loving us asap. i've been playing baby games, not listening to my God. lucky for me, he's not shocked or surprised or holding a grudge. and now that we've dealt with it, i'm back in action.