a city on a hill

two days before christmas, i caught a bone-aching, runny-nosed virus. i layed around my parents home, wasting two-fifths of my precious christmas time off moaning and sleeping and grumping around. plus, i recently decided it was high time i got my hair cut, and my new short hair left me staring in the mirror too much, wondering why on earth i had done such a thing. i was sick and felt nearly bald. it was a terrible and self-absorbed few days.

beautiful christmas eve, maybe my favorite night of the year, came and went without even a whisper in God's direction. i was self-conscious about my hair at the candlelight church service where my ex-boyfriend and his newly pregnant beautiful wife would certainly see me. i was distracted my the nasal tone of my singing voice, and tried to time my nose-blowing to parts of the service when i wouldn't be so distracting. i had safety-pinned my skirt on since it was a bit too big and kept wondering what would happen if the pins came loose. in the rush to find a seat, i didn't even grab a candle. next to me, my husband was lost in his own thoughts about my parent's church and how uncomfortable it makes HIM to be there, too. christmas spirit? hmm.

so christmas morning found me ashamed and unwilling to forgive myself for being such a chump. somehow i got through the family games, the christmas meal, and we were packed and on the road by early afternoon. with dave driving, i found a christmas radio station and listened for a while. outside, it didn't even look like christmas. no snow. not too cold. after a few hours, the oddly-shaped hills of central pennsylvania stood gray against a deep magenta sky; in the distance one hilltop glittered with the lights of a small city. the words were immediately before my eyes. 'you are the light of the world. a city on a hill cannot be hidden...in the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.'

the hilltop glittered and shimmered with light in an otherwise dark skyline of mountains, and i had forgotten how to shine. it has been two months of cold weather and hard, long hours and trying to hold on to "christmas" and forgetting that it is God who lights the spark in me, God who sustains me, God who underscores ordinary days with bits of eternity.

sometimes it's easy to be hopeful, to be full of life, to shine. other times, i'm run-down and sick and have a possibly ugly hair cut, and i forget that the spark in me is still there and that it is always my choice to get over myself. even on christmas.