by luck or by God

can it be true, is this You taking care of me? You said that even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. can i count on you for that? by luck or by Your hand, i am not tired. i can't explain it, can't explain how every time i'm on call there's a few mysteriously silent hours in the small of the morning when i can get a few hours of sleep. i can't explain how i am not overwhelmed, how i am not weary, how i am not faint.

can i trust this to go on? will there always be enough space in the day? maybe not. maybe i will only need this space in the early months, when everything is new and i am still learning the very basics. only You know that, and it strikes me as odd how simple this trust between us was meant to be. i don't need to define what it is that i need today so that i can beg you for it. You didn't ask me to have clarity, You asked me to have faith. maybe i will never sleep another hour on call again, but maybe i will never need another hour of sleep. Your promise was in the results, not in the means. i will run and not grow weary means that i will have strength when i need it, not sleep when i need it. but it is nice that they have gone together recently, God. thank You.

i was reading about the theology of coincidence, about how problematic it can be to be thanking You for small things that are likely just chance. luck. like two good call nights in a row. like getting patients that energize me. like the parking space that happened to be open when i needed it. i was tired, God, and You know that parallel parking makes me itch, and i didn't have a quarter for the meter.

maybe next time there will not be a space, and maybe i will start being exhausted and resenting the patients that are so needy. maybe soon this will start to feel like slave labor, which is what i am told it is. i am told that this will be the worst year of my life. i am worried for the day when i realize that it's true, when my beginner's luck runs out and i am tired and cranky and wanting to quit. unless it's not beginner's luck, and i can trust that what i need will always be given to me, and i can trust that only God knows what i need.

thank you, Father God, for a good night with calls that i could answer, with nobody coding, with just two admissions, with four whole hours of sleep. i'm going to take a nap now.