not just surviving

i slept restlessly last night. today, i feel remarkably unsettled.

i actually have a long track record of responding to catastrophic tv news with the amazed, unaffected eyes of a child watching through a window. i remember feeling mildly ashamed at this in college, as people mourned the NYC attack. i didn't know anyone in the city at the time, nor were any of my friends personally affected. as i stood with the crowds of students surrounding the big screens in our lobbies and watched the footage over and over, i remember wondering if i should feel 'unsafe', the way all the talking heads on tv were saying everyone must feel. i was amazed by the feeling of living through history, of watching a huge moment as it presently unfolded, and i was deeply struck by the unity i felt on my campus and with the country at large. plus, what equals safety more than being stuck in the nowhere-ville of a small rural college town? the worst that ever happened there was the occasional stray bat in our dormitory.

this most recent shooting, however, gave me hives all night. today, helped by an unrelenting gray sky, i feel a dull sense of impending doom. i spent my drive to the gym with ears glued to talk radio, trying to discern my own stance on gun control. back in my apartment, i double checked the lock on my door. d., trying to help, reminded me that i can't live my life in fear; that God will take care of us.

i asked him where God was yesterday, in virginia.

i've been trying to reconcile this all morning. it's the eternal question - why does God let bad things happen? what exactly can i trust Him to protect me from? does He look out for me more than He looks out for the people who go through tragedies like this? and who am i to question God, although i can barely help myself at the moment.

but i am caught in a bad habit once again - i am asking the wrong questions. if i believe in God, if i know this world is a sinful place, if i know Jesus died for these things and has an ultimate redemptive plan for the world, and that my life here is short and my time in heaven will be for eternity, then my question has to change. why am i surprised when bad things happen? and why is my heart so set on earth? my life has never been about just surviving...about trying to get as many days here as i can, no matter how full of fear they might be.

no matter how many days God gives me, i am reminding my heart that my days after this earth will be far better than anything i experience in it.