there is a saying about the best-laid plans of mice and men... they often go awry. the idea is that everyone on earth makes hundreds of plans and then at some point watches half of them crash and burn, some just as they're taking off the ground. just for a moment, put a stethescope to my heart, hear the crashes. things are burning over here.

first, my plan for a handful of days to rest, relax, exercise, connect with God. i only got about 4 hours into my "plan" before david called with a "surprise! i'm on my way!" and of course, i was thrilled, and partially still glad that he had to work monday and tuesday and would be back on the road sunday night, leaving me with 3 days left of the planned me-time. 2 hours later, though, i got another phone call. dave's car broke down about an hour from me on the turnpike. he called AAA, i started scrambling through the area looking for garages, and we spent the next day praying about what to do if it was indeed an engine problem and if david had to buy a new car on his already tight budget. oh stress. david is stranded with me in philly till his car can be assessed (today), and thus we will be spending the whole two weeks of break together. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled at the idea. my few days of coveted solitude, however, are gone, and while i'm stealing a few hours away every day, it's just not what i'd hoped for. i'm trying to remember that God's plans are better than ours. i'm going to have to bank on that to get me through another crazy holiday with two quirky families and no personal space. fire number one.

fire number two also started burning on friday, with an email from sweeny. the plan was to resurrect an old beautiful friendship that had fallen away over the course of two years, a marriage, and a war. but being engaged is an interesting thing - there aren't vows yet, and you don't get a new list of rules governing the relationship. really, you just get to start planning a wedding and people give you a little more grace when you want to spend time together. one of the best parts has been our family's understanding that whether "we" will be in pittsburgh or in reading, "we" will be together on the holidays. last year my parents would have flipped if i'd suggested being away on christmas day; this year, they suggested it themselves. we aren't married, but now we are separated from being one more so-called serious boyfriend/girlfriend in a long line of the same. but back to the point.

they say you never fall in love quite like you fall the first time. i don't know if i completely agree, but i know for sure that after the first time, something changes. the first time, you have no concept that something so good could ever end. you burn every bridge behind you, you leave your friends behind, you live and sleep and breathe that one high school boy you love...until it ends. and you are a l o n e. the next time around, you're a little more cautious. you wait longer to close those other doors, to burn those other bridges. eventually, you've been through the attach-detach process one too many times, and you're 23 and find you have a lot of unburned bridges around. and then you get engaged, and you remember before you got a little jaded about love, that the right thing to do is always to throw yourself into it. head first. once you know it's right, once you're really really certain, you do the high school thing and close your eyes and dive in. you burn those bridges all over again. and it feels wrong, a little bit, but you place your bets that this time, it's safe.

so i set fire to the bridge that sweeny wanted me to meet him on. i read an email that i got, i cried for a minute, and then i lit the match. i don't know if we'll talk again soon, although i hope somehow that he goes to my fiancee and finds a friend in him, and maybe in me, through him. i'd hoped to find a less-intimate version of the best friend i'd ever had. instead, i found things exactly as i'd left them, and i've changed since then.

so mice, men, and me. we're all waiting to see what rises from the ashes. and if God is laying our plans, then i am waiting expectantly.