"it is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay". (Ecc.5:5) but why would you promise to do something that you didn't intend to do anyway? i know the answer to this question inside and out, because i am an adept vower. and i'm well versed in the post-speech guilt that i feel when i've promised to do something i don't really want to do, when i know i've just overcommitted myself and inevitably i will be dropping some of the balls i've vowed to keep in the air. i keep doing it, though, and i wonder why i've developed such a bad habit. they say you only keep habits that pay off every now and then, and there i find the answer. the answer both to why i tend to spread myself too thin, to make promises that would exhaust me to keep, and the answer to why God hates that act. it's because, at heart, i am a faker. but that's not quite right either; it is that i think i have to be a faker, and so i become one. i people-please. i've done back-flips to keep from being offensive, even with people that could use some offending. i've become awfully non-confrontational. where did this girl come from? i certainly didn't know her when i was growing up. i think maybe it's been an adaptation to a new environment, one where i wasn't really sure of myself yet, and now that i'm standing on familiar ground i need to kick the crutches i've used to stay out of trouble. i need not be afraid of who i am or of disappointing people with my limitations. i need not fear that i am not enough, because God says that i am. and i certainly need to put away the scared little faker in me and let out the girl that is tough enough to stand firmly on the truth she knows. and to that end, i vow.