the elephant that has been in the room for days has fled and taken up residence somewhere in my chest. it is the weight of a hundred words recently spoken, and the weight of my necessary resignation to watch what happens in unblinking acceptance. call it women's intuition or call it paranoia, but i knew it was coming, knew it in my throat and in my dreams. it is the source of tears i could not previously explain. it is silent doubts gaining a voice and a name, and the voice says that you just can't trust much in this world for very long.

and yet i am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. i have been waiting for weeks, though until now i did not know the other shoe's name. today, the jury is out. i think the jury is at work, in pittsburgh. the jury and i are not talking. the jury is deliberating over a verdict, and the verdict is me. i'm trying to be patient, but i always get restless in waiting rooms. it's just too quiet, and i play out the scenes in my head to pass the time. play out the maybes, play out the whys, so i won't have to wonder, when the silence breaks, what else might break with it.